How
We Are Helping Our Beloved 8 Year Old Boy With His Temper.
I have often joked to friends that our second child
was born so that we would realise this parenting thing is tricky. Our (now 11
year old) daughter, apart from some early sleeping issues, has been a dream and
now that we are heading into the teens with her I do wonder what she’s got in
store! Our son is a delight in his own way however, whilst we are often
complimented on his behaviour outside the home, at home his stubbornness and
the way he deals with anger leave some considerable room for improvement.
Lately we have yet again ‘re-tweaked’ our methodology and have had some good
results. This is what works for us and our gorgeous boy:
Firstly, prevention is so often easier than a cure:
1.
Cherish Him And Emphasise Family.
Like so many things in life I believe that raising
good kids is about focusing on the
positive. Our little man is a terrific kid and the way he deals with anger
is just a part of who he is. (I am talking about a kid who is very well-behaved
outside the home but who lets it all out at home with noisy dissatisfaction and
throwing of things – though he knows better than to hit anyone) He responds
very well to being told we love him and why. Recently (thanks PQ- a bit of a
twist on the idea) I have been very conscious of pulling him in for a cuddle
whenever the opportunity arises. He loves this positive interaction with me and
it’s too easy to forget how important touch is. We are also very big on
reminding him he is a part of a family unit and that as part of that we all
love, respect and look after each other and there is no other way.
2.
Do Things His Way When Possible
Now I may not be anywhere near as organised as the
wonderful PQ but like most mums I do like a bit of efficiency. I’ve also had to
struggle all my life with my negative gut reaction to a change in plan. With
our son I have finally learnt to think before I speak (most of the time) and to
say yes to his ideas when I can. Putting my mum preconceptions aside has led to
long -term changes like him wearing shorts and a t-shirt all winter despite my
fears for his health. Short-term changes might be something like letting him
scooter to the local shops with me in the rain when I had planned to drive.
3.
Keep Him Happy
Unlike me and, like most 8 year olds, our little guy
likes nothing better than a physically active day with some challenges thrown
in. The behaviour I would expect (and get) from him after a day cooped up is
quite different to the child who comes through the door sparkling with the joy
and satisfaction of an afternoon kicking goals. He is also old enough to
appreciate that one of us has torn ourselves away from the heater and the paper
to supervise him and his mate at the oval and we remind him of this when we
need him to do other things he wouldn’t choose. When out to dinner we are
always prepared with a chess set, book, sudoku etc. We also focus on the
positive things ahead (if he just leaves the house with us!) not the negative
consequences of any failure to cooperate.
4.
Have Good Role Models
As he has got older I have occasionally asked him to
think about various respected adult males in his life, including his Dad of
course, and whether he wants to grow up like them and how they behave. When Mr
8 was younger my husband was travelling a lot and I made a conscious effort to
have the uncle who lived nearby to dinner frequently so there was some
non-female energy in the house and a bit of bloke interaction. There was always
a great response to this.
5.
Use Less Words And Assume The Best
This one took me a long time to learn and I still
forget. It’s self-explanatory really. While he is highly literate, more than
one instruction completely throws him and he will resort to ‘bad’ behaviour
through immediate frustration because he feels he cannot fulfil our
requirements for good behaviour ie; can’t remember what we want him to do/keep
all the words in his head. Further to this it is important to give him a few
moments to respond to information/instructions and not expect instant action.
(This is a general bloke thing I think, something to do with saving face?) I
make sure to give the impression that I assume that he is going to follow the
instruction because surely he wouldn’t do anything else being the wonderful
family member he is! I do this by continuing my forward momentum, preparing
myself and not looking at him so he doesn’t get the feeling he is being
‘watched’. (I have to be sure he has heard me first – this can sometimes be
hard to ascertain!)
6.
Don’t Be In A Hurry And Forewarn
Most of us learn this with toddlers! The former is not
always possible but the latter usually is and, boy, do they both make a
difference!
Of course there will be times
when these strategies just aren’t enough and things start spiralling out of
control. These are the things that work best for us.
7.
Bring Him Close
PQ’s excellent post on this said it all. While 8 is not in the target age
range it is still our first strategy and often gets good results (although
pretty strongly linked in with making time for frequent positive cuddles I
think)
8.
Give Him Time
Aah the time-honoured strategy. Sometimes with Mr 8 he
just can’t bring himself under control and doesn’t want us to be part of his
recovery strategy. He will remove himself to his room (sometimes with some
gentle ‘herding’) and usually sob and scream that “It’s not fair.” And I mean
SOB and SCREAM. This is an incredibly frustrating thing as a parent, not least
because we usually don’t have time for the tantrum and also because it makes us
feel like crap parents. This used to be a daily occurrence and allowed us
frequent reflection on our parenting style and what on earth we could do to
stop things getting to this stage. It is happening less often recently and I
suspect this is linked in with better use of the strategy discussed in the
first point and perhaps him getting older? (He will be 9 this month) Who knows
really?! We usually give him a few minutes to scream then go and see him and
calmly restate the required behaviour. If possible we start the “bring him
close” strategy at this point but it will sometimes be 10 minutes before he is
ready for this. If at any stage he calls for us we immediately go.
9.
Focus On Behaviour, Encourage Him And Show Consistency
When the crisis is over, we remind him that we still
love him, though not his recent behaviour, and try to point out to him (when
true) how much more quickly than previously he got things under control. Very
occasionally we have used a threat in the heat of the moment which we have to
follow up on. With our boy the only thing that has any impact is missing a
quarter of his team’s football game on tv. We only use this if his behaviour is
seriously impacting on his sister or us as its effectiveness is far from
guaranteed. (Believe me we have tried consequence guided behaviour and it
rarely works when he is angry. We do use it at other times when he is calm
though. Eg;Help Mum by putting those clothes away and then I will have time to
play with you in 10 mins. – Time has to be given with our boy, nothing vague
like ‘soon’)
10.
Worry Less
I am prone to anxiety over the adult I am helping
create. Are we being too strict? Are we being too lenient? I remind myself that
the strong convictions and stubbornness of my son will stand him in good stead
as he makes his way through life. And I comfort myself that his teachers are
more than
11.
Remember The Siblings
It is a fact that parenting our son takes a lot more
of our time and energy than parenting our daughter. She is not unaware of this
and often resents the impact his behaviour has on her life. It is hard to
address this but we try our best. Fortunately, as an only daughter, she and I
have frequent opportunities to bond with shared activities and I tell her how
special it is to have her. It is more of a conscious effort with dad but they
have developed a café habit that took a little manipulation in the beginning
but is serving its purpose well now. I think sometimes there is no choice but
to have different special experiences with each child provided they understand
that the family unit, whomever that may include, is the cornerstone. Both of
them know that no matter what they are loved and they belong. As I tell my
daughter, our 8 year old, with all his noisy passion is, and always will be,
ours – just like her – and that’s special.
Source: http://planningwithkids.com
For
further posts on discipline you may like to read:
- Things You Should Never Do During a Toddler Tantrum
- Three Ways to Use Play to Get Kids to Behave
- Peaceful parenting raises a child who WANTS to behave
- How to Discipline a Child - Learning How to Behave
- How to Deal With a Bad Tempered Child
- Raising Children: Teaching The Difference Between Right and Wrong
No comments:
Post a Comment