I have known I was dealing with one ever since sonny
had approached his second year. Initially, it was just a mild
suspicion – He was far less complaint than other similarly aged kids
in our family circle, was always in high energy mode (could not sit still for
one second) and had the word “No” as his best friend long before he could
actually say it. I was always one of those parents who would look at other
parents in public with utter jealousy because of their comparatively
well-behaved children while trying to chase down my defiant kid, wondering “Why
the hell can I not have one quiet outing like everyone else!”
Like me, most parents of strong-willed children know
from early on that they are dealing with a child who couldn’t be swayed from
their standpoints easily. But in case you are still wondering “he may
be one, he may not be one”, then here are 10 signs to help you figure
that out:
1. They are
fiercely stubborn and not afraid to say “No”
Strong willed children are fiercely stubborn and
unwavering. They know what they want (or don’t want!) and will not get swayed
by any diversions you put in their way. No amount of scare tactics or
roadblocks you put in their way will daunt or discourage them from
abandoning their goals.
They are not afraid to say “No” as many times as it
takes and you can never make them do something against their will, ever!
This may sound like a great quality to have in adulthood, but quite
difficult to manage in a 4-year-old.
Whether they want to wear a red shirt and red pants
all day long or drink their milk with chocolate and honey or play planets and
planets alone or even help you with cooking their pancakes, they will have
their way. Or, kill you in the process, trying.
2. They are
bossy and very demanding
You can always tell a strong-willed child from their
counterparts by the way they play in a group setting. They will always be the
ones who tell others what to do and how to do it and will not take
non-compliance without a showdown. You have to be prepared to follow their
instructions to the tee or face consequences.
As for the hapless parents of such children, they can
be heard yelling “Please don’t force your friend to do ‘x’. Please let
her play the way she wants to play.” every few seconds.
This bossiness and demanding nature spill over
to other areas too, where they will give you precise instructions on what
they want you to do for them in crystal clear terms. Be it how they want
to be dressed up, how they want to eat their food, from which bottle they
want to drink their water or what activity they want to pursue next. In
short, they like to be in control of each and every decision involving
their world.
Many-a-times, I have faced meltdowns from sonny
because I unilaterally decided to skip one of his many detailed
instructions! Like when I would not take the exact street that he
wanted me to while walking him home from his school bus stop (His chosen paths
are always longer and filled with distractions!) or when I would not give him
water in a bowl like he demanded (because he wanted to try lapping it up like a
pretend dog).
3. They have
strong likes and dislikes
You can never ever make a strong-willed child like or
dislike something (or someone) based on your preferences. If they don’t like
someone, they don’t. Period. Try making them say hello and chances are, you
will have an angry outburst. If they don’t like the dinner you have cooked, you
can’t force them to eat it. And if you do, chances are, you will end up with
puke on your clothes. And to top it, they will voice their displeasure in
no uncertain (and embarrassing) terms – “I don’t like Mr. ‘x’.”, “This food is
blah, phew, yuck, disgusting.” Need I say more?
4. They don’t
forget anything and argue like pros
You can rarely, if ever, win an argument with a
strong-willed child. They have impeccable memories and will dig up
statements you said in the past to use against you in a new battle of
wills and go on with their arguments and counter arguments, till you give in
out of sheer exhaustion.
When one fine day almost 6 months back, I told sonny
to drink more water “because water helps your body”, I never expected it
to boomerang back and become his reason a few days back to skip dinner in
favor of only water “because water helps my body grow big and strong”.
Having wised up from many such debates, I know enough
now to hold my tongue on such ambiguous statements lest I
provide fodder to fuel future rebellions!
5. They are
energetic and intense
If I could have a dollar for the number of times I
have heard statements like “He is so active”, “He runs like Bolt”, “I am
getting tired just from watching him play” etc. on sonny’s activity level,
well, you guessed it – I would end up with a small fortune.
I have seen sonny tire out groups of children much
older than himself and still keep going with what I suspect is sheer willpower
and nothing else.
So yeah, strong-willed kids are very energetic and can
never ever sit still, even for one second.
Also, they are very intense and passionate when
it comes to their interests.
I have talked about sonny’s love of planets many times
in this blog. He is occupied with them day in and day out (and I suspect in his
dreams too!). From his past obsessions with alphabets, monster trucks and
trains, I know that for the duration of time for which he is fixated
on planets, the only videos he will watch, the only books he will read,
the only drawings he will make and the only things he will talk about will all
be about planets and planets alone. It’s simply awe-inspiring to see such a
small child obsess over his interests like sonny does.
6.
They refuse to follow the beaten track and tend to challenge boundaries
Strong willed children are
born leaders and as such have difficulty following the beaten track. Moreover,
they have very little, if any, consideration of what you or their peers
think of them.
Driven by their own passions
and rarely by what other people think of them, they will do what they want to
do and when they want to do it without second guessing themselves.
No matter how many times you
tell them not to do something, they will keep challenging those boundaries you
set until and unless they have grasped the root cause behind that boundary. In
this respect, strong-willed children make their own rules and
only abide by the rules that are acceptable to them.
Be it eating cereals for every
single meal three days in a row, wearing shoes inside the house and
slippers outside, deciding to rename himself, his parents and friends
as planets, leading the way to some mischief in school, sonny has done it
all. The many instances when he has divided candy up into three parts
– one for himself, one for me and one for hubby – and refused to
touch or let others touch our shares (even when we told him it was okay to
eat it all) is simply amazing.
I am also surprised how
easily he can just walk away from others and do what he feels like doing
without one glance back at his friends and more often than not, even convince
them to join him.
7.
They learn by doing, ask “why” questions and are super creative when it
comes to things they love
Strong willed children are
very hands on when it comes to learning. Be it exploring
all things with their senses (and never listening to you when you say
things like “this coffee is very hot” or “it’s too cold outside”), finding
creative solutions to problems at hand or asking a thousand how and why
questions, they will always choose the exploratory route versus the
discussion route.
I have actually lost count of
the number of times I have watched the same old NASA videos with sonny, made
paper and plastic ball models of the solar system or explored the planets on
his iPAD app. And the stories he makes up about his planet friends are so very
creative and amusing.
8.
They are fast paced, impatient and don’t listen
Strong willed children walk
fast, talk fast, eat fast (if they eat at all that is!) and in general seem to
be always in a hurry. They are very impatient and intolerant of anything slow.
If they want something, they want it now, rather yesterday! And throw tantrums
if there is even the minutest delay.
And of course, they
don’t listen. In fact, they have selective listening and seeing skills. They
will hear and see things that they are passionate about and when you
move onto some other topic (they are not into), they will lose interest and
tune you out.
9.
They have a strong sense of right and wrong
Like the candy distribution
example I talked about earlier, strong-willed children, in general, have a
strong sense of right and wrong and will stand by their convictions even if it
is uncomfortable to do so. They will also, almost always, take responsibility
for their actions and not blame others.
The time before sonny learned
to write comes to mind. He simply refused to hold the pencil in school (among
his peers and teacher) despite the tremendous pressure on him to comply before
he was good and ready. And then once he was sure he could write, it was as if
the period of defiance existed only in my dreams!
10.
They are short-tempered
And last, but not the least,
strong-willed children are short-tempered and can very quickly transform from
their angelic selves to their devilish selves if something does not go their
way and throw major tantrums. In fact, a big part of my parenting strategy
involves how not to have sonny blow his short fuse by anticipating situations
before they happen (talk about a super power!)
Phew! Quite a list, eh? Though
having a strong-willed child is exhausting, but if anything, strong-willed children are mini-adults who
tend to be quite logical in their approach and when handled with care and
understanding, turn out to be amazing kids who can make you very proud.
Daisy
Suman December
7, 2015
You
might also like:
If you are exhausted from perpetual power struggles
with your child, are tired of hearing “no” multiple times every single day
and in general, are awed by the stubbornness of your feisty kid, chances are
you are dealing with a “Strong-Willed” or “Spirited” child. Raising a
strong-willed child is emotionally and physically draining and quite frankly,
extremely challenging, to say the least.
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